A Long Time Gone

And a lot of change!

We are now married!  We had a lovely wedding:

 and a great honeymoon down in London! lots of getting lost, sight seeing etc...

Leo is now coming up to 11 months old, trying to walk, opening all the cupboards and generally being an unruly monkey-child!

Yes, that says "hyperactive" on his top ... most fitting!

I passed my driving test, working at a hotel, studying for a Business Studies degree ...

Lots and lots of things have been going on!

Oh, yes, we are also still crazy happy together!

Enough for now.  

You never know, I might write some more before next year!

-IBard

The past week

Well, on Thursday we went for our first scan. I had been getting worried leading upto it thinking all sorts of crazy things that could be wrong. For someone with a previously well controlled mind it is unreal what being pregnant has done! Hormones have a whole lot to answer for! Anyways, we arrived and she called us in early, she started having a look but I hadn't drank enough but she was able to see the heartbeat so sent us away for half hour to get some more fluids in me. When we went back in she could se everything clearly and in the last few minutes the baby had a big stretch and a kick so we got an extra pic! Seeing the baby move was amazing, truly!

The past week I have seemed to grow very quickly outwards, I love it though, I have a proper bump!

I didn't mention last time we are moving back to where my mum is so we have lots of family round us, that's in 4 weeks. The idea of being at home with a baby with no family and friends doesn't really fill me with joy so we're both really excited!

I went to the drs today as my back problem has started to get worse, hips especially, and she signed me off for 4 weeks-my remaining notice period. At least I can chill now and stop stressing over work and feeling guilty about leaving early because of my back.
On my way back from the drs I went by myself and had a yummy bacon sandwich and a coffee and then popped to the library to get some books out. It felt good to not have the pressure of work on me whilst I'm pregnant.

Thanks Willow for the congrats!

And then there were three.....

There has been a long absence between the last blog post but we have a good excuse. We're having a baby! We have our 12 week scan on Thursday!

Back from a break away

We came back Thursday late afternoon after a lovely break away at my mums. We went on Saturday, very early, after frantic packing in the morning and had a stop off in Birmingham for some shopping. Arrived at Lincoln late Saturday, it soon began to rain, which didnt stop till Wednesday.

Sunday we had a really chilled day...chatting, reading, watching DVDs, napping, cooking. Monday we went off to Lincoln despite the weather and had fun traipsing around the shops, and spending too much. We got an Ipod, well actually it was a extremely early Yule gift from my mum. We had lots of fun fiddling about with that and getting audio books to listen to (it is the nicest thing having a story read to you, makes you feel all cosy and childlike). Tuesday we went to meet my sister and nephew...I hadnt seen them for a year so it was great to catch up, they loved Mr Ibard :)

On Wednesday we finally got to go to the seaside as the weather cheered up. Here at home the seaside is quite far. Typically we went round the arcades, had a little look round the shops, played bingo (Ibard watched on at the craziness :) and bought doughnuts and rock. Thursday we travelled back and came home to our cats. Initially they were in a huff with me for leaving but an hour or so later order was restored and they wanted cuddles.

On other news, Big Brother has started and Ibard has bought me the live streaming season pass, he may live to regret this but I am very appreciative right now.

Reflections

When you've had one of 'those' weeks...it feels heavenly when your working week finishes and you're 'you' again, and you get a real chance to reflect....

Everything is exactly as it should be at any given moment.

Right now, in my life, I wouldn't change a thing. Sometimes, it feels odd to feel this way when I spent such a long time wanting for something else. It feels odd to think about what I was doing one year ago, and how ultimately 9 months ago things 'came together', with some Divine intervention.

I feel lucky.

Grace

I have been thinking about mystical experiences and Grace recently...
Grace as in divine love and protection.
Mystical experiences as in feelings of connectedness with everything.
The thought comes to me that the two can be the same.
I am also wondering if this is comparable to communion with your Holy Guardian Angel...
Perhaps
It, certainly to me, sounds like Samadhi.
I suppose Sahaj samadhi is more like Grace; the effortless and continual state of perfection.
How to attain?
Now thats the rub.

A bit of a Rant

Strange things from today:

• Setting up a wireless network for Adriana... Computers have to do things Their way...
• A Programme on Scientology which shows just how creepy they really are.
• The cats are hiding out in the flat instead of pestering us for fuss... I think something is going on there.
• The fact that I was ill form work today due to a major cold and had the wierdest dream of me and Adriana inheriting a night club... and having 2 great big black dogs that roamed about town.

The computer incident should be no surprise to me. I already know that they are alkward, no offence compy, and like to do things in computereese. But, still, I think that they should make them a little more understanding... Or maybe I should be? interesting point..

The scientology thing.. I can understand the lure of their "religeon". Mystery, promises of a better life and a purpose... Somethings that Magick and Esoteric paths also aim to fulfill

But to personally attack peoples character, trawl through their past and mud-sling anyone who doesn't agree with them is worying behaviour and hypocritical of a group that purports to purifying their spirits and becoming perfect..

Also, the ammount of money they generate from their followers seems ... greedy. I know market forces say that you charge what people are willing to pay but to be seen as a religeon should they not be more "giving".

Ok, they do turn up at any disaster/emergency to help out ... but how much of that is for PR and how much to recruit new members when they are feeling vunerable and scared...

It all comes back to the fact that they are "selling" insights, purpose and hidden knowledge which are readily and freely available elsewhere. Then when you are in you are more likely to accept anything they say as true and are distanced from the outside world.... very much like brain-washing to me..

Ach, too much of a rant I know but... I know there is something intrinsically wrong about scientology.

I suppose the words "Caveat Emptor" sum up what I am trying to say ... but the seller should be open about what their product is aswell.

Poly Paradise?

I used to think that not one person can be 'enough', especially over a long period of time in a relationship. Everyone has different aspects to their selves....and it used to seem that no one individual could compliment that long term. I changed my thinking on that, I have all I want with someone now. The idea though is certainly still very interesting to me.

It seems, and I could be wrong that polyamory is more prominent in the pagan community (I am including the majority of the occult community in pagan-there are those calling themselves 'mystic christians' who practice occultism heavily but don't get umbrellered in the term pagan, plus others). For some perhaps polyamory comes about in paganism as a side effect of their path, such as their partner not being apart of their new beliefs and finding someone to share them with, perhaps its from sex magick (though using sex magick as a means to get laid isnt what its all about, though it would be easy for boundaries to become blurred and eventually a love connection evolving), perhaps it's because pagans have 'got it' and polyamory really is the way to go, maybe pagans are generally more open to new ways of being, perhaps pagans are searching hardest of all.

I wonder if polyamory just stems from an unhappiness ultimately with the 'main' person you're with, and feeling unable to remove yourself from the situation for a variety of reasons, and then polyamory just 'suits' both parties well in those circumstances. I know a few people in rl who polyamory seems to work great for, and I know much more people online who do it. In the past I have wondered that perhaps they were just more emotionally developed people, on the other hand perhaps they're the most emotionally unstable. Who knows, I don't suppose it matters. But for those who polyamory really works for, the ones who are actually polyamorous (both partners knowledgable of this and not one person just having an affair and calling it so) and still have a wonderful loving relationship with their 'main' partner, I think that's great.

But...can you ever really find what you're looking for in another when it's within you along.

Article: Polyamory In The Pagan Community

Photograph by Rhonda Miller

Why Are You Here?

I have been thinking recently about Purpose.

Purpose in the sense of your direction in life. An ambition. A Will to achieve something.
Does this purpose come about nautrally in your life, chosen for you from birth, or is it chosen by you and then followed?
I suppose it doesn't really matter which it is as long as you have a goal and work out the ways to achieve it.
Without purpose life seems meaningless and without value. With one you have a sense of worth, importance and happiness that is independant of outside influences.

So what is my Purpose?
Why am I here?
What do I want?

I want to write for a living.

So what is stopping me? Fear.
Failure and the unknown.
The best way to beat these daemons? Act. Set goals. start small and work up. Know that i can and that the fear is illusory.

Ok, enough thoughts for now.

Some Time

Self-Explanation (ie. making excuses)

It has been a while since I last posted an entry on this site. In fact it has been a while since I did any writing except for a few entries in my RL diary.

Why? I could blame distractions, or work, or moving to a new flat in a new city. But the main reason is because I simply did not make time for it.
I know that no matter what the situations are, unless they are prety dire, you can always make time for blogging and catching up on the day.
I know I will miss the past few months of no entries when I look back on this blog. A short while ago we had a look through some of the older entries and the amount of memories that were triggered simply by reading my own thoughts at the time were astounding.
And that from a guy who has a selective memory. I did set out for this blog to be an aid to my memory and a think pad of my thoughts but with all tools they must be used to be useful.
Therefore, I shall start again.
There is no use trying to recap the last couple of months. Suffice to say all is well and things are, as always, great. :)

First entry in some time

Last weekend, sunday to be precise, I had my Reiki initiation. I am now a fledgling healer:) Practicing on myself and the cats and sometimes Adriana. The more I do, the better I get.

Had a wonderful Bank holiday. Went to see my mother and had a nice chat and catch up. Even the fact that the wind destroyed their gazebo/sun-shade didn't marr the day, just made it funny.
Met one of the fattest dogs on earth and tried to give it some exercise.
Had some craziness with "The Missing Pencil-sharpener"; much drama and divers alarums.
Now I have a niggling cold which A assures me is due to the initiation. Also following initiations can be more craziness etc.
Heh, talking of craziness, don't mention the butter!

On to the more spiritual side of things. I have been keeping up my reading and meditation. If there is one thing that a train commute is good for it's the opportunity to sit quietly with no distractions. I find it a little funny how so many people can sit in such a small space and Not-talk to each other. But then again this is Britain:)

Lastly, I have been trying to maintain the meditative state whilst going about my daily life. Harder than it sounds, but worth it i think.

Thats it for now. Take care and take it easy.

Beltaine Blessings

Beltaine was always my favourite Wiccan Sabbatt, and I have such fond memories of celebrating it with my mother. For everyone that does celebrate may you have a wonderful time. Since I don't follow the Wiccan path anymore, I won't be doing a ritual but I have spent time thinking about what Beltaine marks and celebrates. Excellent time for fertility rituals ;)

Am enjoying day 2 of 4 lovely days off together due to a re-furb at work, come at a good time since my cold seems to have re-surfaced. Started planning our trip to London for Ibard's birthday next month, should be lots of fun, also kinda busy since we have managed to pick the time when kids will be off school, therefore also read more expensive...clever hotel people. When we went away in January we got a fab late deal off the internet at a 5* hotel for £60, the room was supposed to be £300, oooo and there was a pool. This time when we go I want us to catch a show, would love to see Wicked. We both read the book just recently and loved it.

The new cats are doing well, they're both curled up either side of my leg on the sofa napping......they look so cute when they're sleeping, makes you foget they're like expert escape artists....tellin ya these cats are genuises or something, they can open windows themselves!!!Takes em a while....but still, and probably all paws between them.

Thank you to everyone who's been visiting and adding to Within's forums (see side link), some good posts are starting to come up again.

We're Back!

After, well, forever, we're back online!! With moving again, and stuff has taken some time to get a phone line put in and get broadband. So...since it's been a while, I'll quickly update you on what's been going on. We moved into a 2 bedroom house nearer to my work and in the city, is great having space and being close to everything. Ooooo, and coupla weeks ago we got 2 kitties, Avalon and Morgana, sooo cute (as you can see), they're sisters.

Now that we're back online I am getting my website back up and running. I have missed doing all my site stuff and chatting with everyone. Work's going well, everything is going well.

Morning on the bridge

An experience:

Here I stand on a stone bridge at seven o’clock on a misty winter’s morning. Looking out over the river. I am surrounded on all sides by a thick curtain of fog. My world, alone, intruded upon only infrequently by a passing car. Grey night turns to day as the car approaches, the piercing headlights illuminating my solitary universe. Then all turns to sunset as it passes, the red tail-lights completing one short day. The metallic hum and roar of this artificial sun grow distant quickly in this blanket of fog, soon out of hearing as if it had never passed this way, returning me to my private island of night and my own thoughts.

My mind soon slows as I stand shrouded in this personal world, apart from the everyday reality. All troubles and distractions seem distant and removed. I use this feeling of calm detachment to meditate. Here on this bridge feeling the low cloud above me and the river below, letting their flows ease my mind into a calm state. A great feeling of peace and quietude comes to me. Thus I stay for some time until the outside world catches my attention once more.

I look about myself at this normal setting turned beautiful through the medium of fog. The street lights float in the sky as balls of luminous cloud. The river lies still as ice whilst the mist rolls over like water. The silhouette of trees is pierced by rays of light which trace paths of fire through the smoky air. The air itself is still and I hear no rustling in the trees. In fact, I hear no sound at all from the ducks I know live under the bridge, neither do I hear distant cars on their way to work, alarm clocks waking people to their day nor even any of the number of morning people who are out and about at this time delivering papers and milk or cleaning the streets.

This world has stopped. My breathing, the rustle of my clothes and my footsteps are the only sounds in existence. I feel as if this whole world is a dream, something illusory which we choose to live in and experience so as to learn and grow.

My breath fogs in front of me and I realise that I am cold. Yet I do not feel deadened or numbed by this cold, rather invigorated, renewed. The damp air has settled on me, washing me clean, waking me up to the reality of this world once again. Sensation reminds us that we are alive and that we exist for a reason so I shall go back into the world and live but carry this knowledge and feeling of otherness within me.

Old -> New

K'UN - The Receptive

"Bear with things as the earth bears with us: by yielding, by accepting, by nourishing."

Yule - Shortest day; longest night. The beginning of the return.

Darkness - light rising. A turning point of the year. Time to plan for the future. What will be?

Old -> New

It seems that things that had been planned are no longer the plan. Things change and so must we. The plan may have been a stepping stone or a guide for what may be. Symbolic rather than actual. Now is the time to flow, accept and steer cautiously.
Holding on to a past Idea will only cause suffering and misery. Graciously accepting the way things are will allow you to live fully and make what you can with what you have.

Quote: Do what you can, with what you have, where you are. - Theodore Roosevelt

Live life now. There is no other time.

Blogs, Writing and All

"Blogging 'set to peak next year'

The blogging phenomenon is set to peak in 2007, according to technology predictions by analysts Gartner.

The analysts said that during the middle of next year the number of blogs will level out at about 100 million.

The firm has said that 200 million people have already stopped writing their blogs."

BBC NEWS

Reading that makes me have to write something to show myself that i am not bored .. just really busy..

What with my Lady here and lots of gifts to buy plus work and sleep, leaves little time for me to write reflections upon life and my day.
And yet that article has spurred me on.
Good for them:)

Have recently joined The Writers Bureau and am all excited about it.
Another thing to fill my time up with! It will, however, mean i must practive writing more. Therefore i shall be updating this blog under the guise of study.

Have been thinking about this world and how it is perfect in its imperfections. How it makes complete sense in its paradoxes:)
Understanding these unknowable things is the trick ...

Feeling the unthinkable,
Ballancing opposites,
Uniting sepparates,
All is one.

Or we could just go and watch TV..... Stop these disturbing thoughts, i want to get off the round-a-bout.

All or nothing. Take your pick.

Update

Ok I have been slack on my blog.....
A whole hoast of things have happened and I have been busy living rather than writing about it but now i have a spare half hour to put a few things down for anyone who still reads this!

Not sure i have much of a readership but still ... This blog is for my benefit aswell.

Ok since last I wrote I have hada great night out with Adriana where we met "Minty".
He is a psychic medium and very interesting to talk to.
A little bit of drama when all the lights in the house went out and we had to fumble around in the dark with fuses and candles:)
A day where I was in charge of my department... Everything went well... no big problems.
Shopping. Worrying about Presents for people.. Getting back to Work.
And fun with trains and busses which seem to disregard timetables.
Adriana has started her new job and it sounds that there is a lot to organise but she gets to call all the shots and do it her way which, listening to her talk about how the place was run, it really needs.

I haven't been checking the site much or chatting on MSN either ... but if you had as great a girl as i do, i think you would be a little lax in that department aswell.

OK thats my update for now.. catch you round.

Adriana Land

Am writing this now so I don't get all hassled for being a lazy blogger before He comes home:) Y'know what though? If I was someone else watching me just recently I'd feel sick. It is kinda sickly when someone is so happy and in love (shhh). It's funny how perfectly everything has worked out, but I think when things are 'right' then everything else just fits how it should, things shouldn't have to be difficult. Had been here like 5 days (including the weekend may I add) and I got offered the job I really wanted, which was as it turns out was the first job I applied for. Get to be a Manager now instead of Assistant Manager, can't wait. So, I start that on Wednesday, will be nice to get a routine, don't think I'd be much good at playing housewife somehow, I need to be stimulated through my job as much as through other things :) Saying that though, I have been enjoying having lil afternoon naps.

So far have not got lost, though I feel that buildings keep moving, I misplaced the post office this morning. I was wondering the other day when..../if..... things would hit me, all this change, new place, new everything, new life, but it feels right. It feels like I've been here for ages actually, arriving from the train just a week ago seems craziness.

Now that I've done an update post your scheduled programme of occult type posts will re- commence, wether you appreciate it or not:)

Also, blatant plugging, but seriously, come and visit this friendly occult community of mine.

Structure

Yesterday my Lady went for her interview and today she got the job!

- Much rejoicing -

Also today i picked up my diary after almost a week ... it wasn't ammused at the break in entries... * feels guilty*

I have ben given some topics to write about today .. Structure/ Habit/ Discipline.

Now, structure is - The interrelation or arrangement of parts in a complex entity: political structure; plot structure.

Considering your self as a "complex entity" anything you learn or experience becomes a part of you. It is how you relate these new things to the whole of yourself which gives rise to the structure and ultimately the person you are.
When learning anything new i think the process is Learn, Know, Understand, Become.
Become is the stage where it is fully a part of you.
Habit is something that is done without thought. Something which is a part of you, something that you have become.

Many people put a negative tint on the word Habit but there can be many good habits, otherwise known as customs if socially imposed or practices if good personal traits.

Habits however may become necesities, addictions or unhealthy compulsions. Which brings us to Discipline. You are the Master (or Mistress) of your own mind and what you say is Law. What you put in you get back out. If you train yourself with a good solid groundwork of basics before shooting for the moon you will be far less likely to come crashing back down again. Also, after crashing, with the basics in place you are more able to understand and deal with the fall out.

Normal...

Ok what is normal?

The dictionary says normal is - Conforming with, adhering to, or constituting a norm, standard, pattern, level, or type; typical: normal room temperature; one's normal weight; normal diplomatic relations.

So normal is conforming to a norm ... very helpful!

Norm - A standard, model, or pattern regarded as typical: the current middle-class norm of two children per family.

So normal is conforming to a pattern regarded as typical...

Typical - Exhibiting the qualities, traits, or characteristics that identify a kind, class, group, or category: a typical suburban community.

So normal is conforming to the qualities, traits or characteristics of a group.

From that no-one can be "normal" they have to be a normal *something*

Unless you imply i am normal to mean i am a normal person ....
which opens up a whole other bag of questions ....
What is a normal person?

The answer given will probably be "Me"

Link: Beat Government Censorship!
This sounds cool ... but i wonder if the computer leting people access the rest of the net will be vunerable from those using it ...

You scored as Buddhism. Your beliefs most closely resemble those of Buddhism. Do more research on Buddhism and possibly consider becoming Buddhist, if you are not already. In Buddhism, there are Four Noble Truths: (1) Life is suffering. (2) All suffering is caused by ignorance of the nature of reality and the craving, attachment, and grasping that result from such ignorance. (3) Suffering can be ended by overcoming ignorance and attachment. (4) The path to the suppression of suffering is the Noble Eightfold Path, which consists of right views, right intention, right speech, right action, right livelihood, right effort, right-mindedness, and right contemplation. These eight are usually divided into three categories that base the Buddhist faith: morality, wisdom, and samadhi, or concentration. In Buddhism, there is no hierarchy, nor caste system; the Buddha taught that one's spiritual worth is not based on birth. Buddhism 92% Islam 83% Satanism 75% Hinduism 67% Paganism 58% agnosticism 42% Judaism 29% Christianity 25% atheism 21% Which religion is the right one for you? (new version) created with QuizFarm.com

Hehehehe a Buddhist/islamic/satanist :)

Oh, One more thing : FreeCycling!

Anyone else think this is the best solution to landfill?
We should have it everywhere.

Ok better go ... am getting mobbed by someone desperate to read this! :P

Randomness

Having been brought up with a strong influence of paganism and magick, at least on my mothers side it's interesting when contrasting stories of childhood to those who had a 'normal' upbringing. The most influential aspect for me was the Goddess influence, being raised knowing about Her. When I was growing up aspects of womanhood were always explained in a sacred context. It's such a shame how women generally tend to regard their cycles negatively and I wonder if many women would have the same gynaelogical health issues that seem to be so common now if they were able to view their bodies in a positive, sacred way.

I am aware that my mum held back a fair amount though, due to the general stigma surrounding occultism, especially when you add children into the mix, it suddenly becomes a cult case and child abuse. But, the influence and knowledge I was given has been much appreciated, and when I have children I would like to be able to show the same belief options. Also to teach about the natural environment, the wheel of the year and festivals seperate to the Christians ones.

Onto regular news stuff, am all moved in now :) Got an interview on Wednesday, and hopefully this week to chill which is much needed after the month I've had. Would love to be able to write more about this weekend, but it's pretty much not appropriate, suffice to say it's been amazing, and I'm happy.